I haven’t been this stressed since high school I swear.
Just finished 2hrs of Chinese class
3hrs until work (1hr commuting)
6hrs of teaching
Find time to eat dinner and study for test, speech, dialogue, and homework all due tomorrow.
Attempt to sleep more than 6hrs (lol not gonna happen) bc I’m getting more sick.
Somehow survive 6 day work week this week and next week all while entertaining visiting friends and not becoming deathly sick.
Also, it’s been a month since I last spoke to him. I hope he’s doing ok. Sometimes I really wish he would just start caring again. The slightest bit of effort would do a lot of good.
Lately as I go about my day walking through Taipei, I’ve been starting to see faint wisps of light—dull beams that radiate long after the sun has fallen below the horizon. I see it when I come across a colorful pair of socks. He has a unique collection of socks with images of Shin Ramen and PSY. I see it when I walk by the candle section at Ikea. He told me how he once spent over an hour at a holiday candle store in the mall and somehow managed to leave over $60 poorer. I see it as I wait for the next metro train surrounded by a sea of people. He FaceTime called me once while I was at the station. I stood off to the side against a wall and talked with him for a while as I missed my train again and again.
I need to remind myself this is the afterglow. That sun has set and will not rise again. The rays of light that once radiated warmth are now only a fond memory. This is however the nature of life. I must learn to be content until a new sunrise begins.
Yesterday my friend referred to me as a relationship guru.
I laughed at the irony of that statement.
If in fact true, I’d like to believe it’s a product of the lessons learned from my mistakes.
Any benefit people may receive gives my past errors purpose.
I send him a text at around 6:30p Taiwan time, which was 3:30a west coast time. I had been think a lot about us that day needed to get things off my chest before my thoughts consumed me. I tell him to call me when he sees the message, anytime.
I spend most of my day with my newfound confidant. She’s an old college friend that I’ve been lucky enough to reconnect with in Taipei. I’ve been updating her every step of my developing relationship with him. I’ve shared with her all of our cute texts and messages of affection. She’s knows how much effort I’ve been putting in. She also sees how the relationship has slowly been become more and more one-sided. She tells me I deserve better and just wants the best for me.
It’s now late at night, but I’m in a state where I need some advice. I reach out to the person who has been there with me from the very beginning of my coming out experience. I tell her about my current situation with him, and she leaves me with the words I desperately need to here. “You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel special,” I read. I let the words resonate for a second and attempt to absorb their meaning.
At around 12:30a my time he calls me. I answer. He asks why I wanted to talk. I explain how our previous conversation bothered me, but the talking points somehow summarize our current relationship. I point out that he never acknowledged my recent messages to him, days after I sent them. He’s in med school. I understand that he may not always be there to respond. Time wasn’t the issue. It was the fact I was ignored. It takes two seconds to send a “How was your day?” message, two seconds to send “I miss you”, two seconds to send a basic “Thanks”.
We go back and forth, and then he brings up what is on both our minds. He says he feels it’s best if we take a step back and just become friends again. He adds that we could work on our friendship first and maybe pick things up when he comes to Taipei for a month in the summer.
It doesn’t work like that I say. If you want to end our relationship now as is, it’s going to leave a sour taste in my mouth that you won’t be able to remove—a sour taste that exists because you gave up the fight. If I feel you’re trying your hardest to make things work but some external factors are in your way, I can let you go with the potential of rekindling at another point in the future. The reality is that you stopped trying altogether. People get second chances for changing. I then think, how can he change from this? By starting to care again whenever it’s suddenly convenient for him? When you truly care about someone and want to be with them, you don’t give up when life gets hard.
He understands and agrees. He says I have every right to feel that way. He tells me he still wants to be with me but that the distance isn’t working. I get the feeling he thinks my mind is made up, so I explain that the opportunity for him to start trying again is still on the table. I still want to make this work. We don’t have to end with this sour taste. He tactfully dodges the option and retorts that he’s still optimistic about his chances of starting back up when he come to Taiwan. He smug confidence comes off as arrogance in my head. He has yet to learn the most important element of any lasting relationship—placing one’s needs before your own.
We talk for a bit longer until the call finally ends. He says he’ll talk to me later and hangs up. I don’t feel that bummed, but there is a part of me that feeds my insecurities. In that conversation he reassured me I’m worth it. Apparently I’m not worth enough to fight for. I remind myself that I need to be strong. I can’t allow myself to fall for him ever again. I know that if I do, I’ll just get hurt in the end.