I don’t need you to have abs I could hand wash a Burberry scarf on. It’s not required that you have blinking white teeth or hair that blows in the mind like you’re in a Garnier Fructis commercial. I know that these things are fleeting and I need us to not be temporary. I need you to feel safe belting Miley Cyrus with me on the highway, I won’t even mind if you’re off key because your voice will still be joyous and lovely.
I want you to be adventurous with me. No, I’m not asking you to be ready at a moment’s notice to stop your life and travel to New Zealand with me. All I am asking is that you push yourself out of your comfort zone. Order the new Panini instead of soup bread bowl at Panera just because you feel like getting a little crazy today. I want you to try knitting and water polo and deep sea diving because I hope you’ll constantly be finding new passions in your life. I want you to constantly be discovering new things about yourself because I selfishly want to discover them with you.
I need you to be vulnerable for me. I need to you to let yourself feel everything you want to feel and never be afraid to share these emotions with me. I need you to yell, I need you to simmer. I want you to cry and to laugh and smile and to sulk in the three-dollar movie theater because I refused to hold your hand.
I need you to offer me a home. I mean home in the sense that when you hold me, it feels like i’m in my very own living room; the fireplace blazing, socks off warm-kind-of-home. I want you to be the home I build a life for myself in. A home where i’m unafraid to fail miserably and feverishly grow and change.
I need you to call me on my bullshit when I tell you i’m not jealous that other boys adore you or when I tell you I don’t need you to spend the night. I need you to realize I will push you away during the times I am truly grasping for you the most.
I want us to fuck and to make love. I want our sex life to be exciting at times, boring at others, and obligatory at others. I want us to giggle and laugh and probably fall asleep during sex when we’re exhausted. I want you to eat sandwiches naked in bed with me and burn the stove-top popcorn because we’re too busy making out.
You must be kind to and treat your mother in a way that is more lovely than any woman I see you interact with. I need you to not take her for granted and no matter what your personal relationship is with her, a certain level of respect must be given. It may sound silly, but it will say a lot about your character. I need you to offer me the love of a gentle-hearted man. I need you to treat your friends with reverence and a gentility that shows the full force of how human we are, and how compassionate your heart can be.
I need you to offer me this love unhibited. I need you to throw yourself at your own speed into our future. I need you to make me be the brave man I know I would be with you at my side.
It’s been almost a year since we went our separate ways. This has been one hell of a year to say the least, and unfortunately for me it was mainly because of you.
If I could describe the past year in two words, they would be confused and stuck. I was confused because I didn’t understand you. I understood why things ended between us; that was blatantly clear. But I was confused why things stayed that way. After emotions had calmed and enough time had passed, I thought we’d have a moment to reevaluate and talk about us. That moment never came. I was confused why after everything we had been through together—all the late night conversations, the dates exploring SF, the laughs and smiles we gave each other—after all that your mind was made up, and it was made up without any input from me. I felt somewhat angry that you gave up so easily. I felt like I never knew you in the first place. But I mostly felt inadequate in my own character and self-worth.
Because of this confusion I was stuck. I didn’t know how to move forward. I felt I was carrying this enormous weight that everyone told me would eventually go away in time. I tried so hard to move on. I got drunk, acted sloppy, and made out with boys all in an attempt to forget about this weight. Yet I was still stuck. I hopped on a plane and traveled across the Asian continent for three months hoping to find myself and also partly to help me get over you. I came back more aware of the world, but I was still stuck.
It actually wasn’t until a few days ago that something changed. A friend that was somewhat new to my life asked me about my travel motives. The conversation naturally lead to this topic. I told him what happened between us and why I felt the way I did. Then he said something that forced me to put myself in your shoes. I thought about it. I imagined how I would feel if I were you—if I had experienced the impact of everything I put you through. It was in that moment I understood why this all happened the way it did.
The main reason I wanted to write this letter was to say that I forgive you. I say this in the sense that don’t blame you for how you reacted. I’m not angry or hurt anymore from the decisions you made because frankly I would have probably done the same if our roles were reversed. In that realization I’m able to find solace as well as the closure I needed to progress forward.
I understand now that what brought us apart was something that had to happen. I needed to make mistakes and experience this all so I could grow as a person. My one true regret is that it happened with you. You’re an amazing guy, and you didn’t do anything to deserve that kind of treatment from me.
I honestly have no idea how you feel about me now as a person or a friend, but I want to make an effort to improve whatever kind of platonic relationship we have. I admit I haven’t been the most balanced person you’ve known this past year, but I promise you’ll see an improvement from this point on. I want us to be cool again because I miss you as a friend. I don’t want to second guess whether posting a funny gif on your wall is a good idea. I know you’re busy with your own friends and your own life, but if you ever have spare moment to catch up I’d love to know how you’re doing. I hope this isn’t too much wishful thinking, but I understand if it is. Just know that I still care about you as a friend and that will never change.
I find some of my followers pretty attractive.
That attractiveness diminishes rather quickly with bad grammar.
Subject-verb agreement homies.
one family is. two families are. one of my most embarrassing moments is.
Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.